My last month has been utter chaos. The chaos of a remodel and new department and responsibilities at work, mixed with the chaos of a recent move, have been somewhat overwhelming. Our lease ended on September 18th, but we were without a new place to rent until the day before. My very good friend needed a couple of roommates at the same time we needed a home, so it worked out for everyone, but it was extremely stressful, nonetheless.
The new home is a big change. It is a house, not an apartment, but it is shared with far more people than I was originally hoping. I'm at a time in my life where I need a certain amount of privacy and ownership. Instead, my husband and I are living with my two closest friends, and an odd, but lovely 16 year old boy. There are perks and disadvantages, as there are with all things in life. Everyone is busy enough that it rarely seems like so many people live together, and in the past week together, I already feel a strong family dynamic building, which is really exactly what I think I needed through everything. My husband's family lives nearby, but I don't have any family here other than my sister, who lives in a whole different world than I do as far as where we are in our adulthood. I need family, and family I've grown, even if not by blood. The family I am creating is by choice, so it is pretty amazing.
I went through a great purge during the move. In addition to the need to give up stuff for sake of space, I knew I needed to give up some ideas, as well. I am a dreamer, always a few steps in the future from everyone around me, and I needed to give up on some of the dreams I had, so I could adjust to the reality around me. I'm replacing them with new dreams, don't worry. It wasn't a bad purge, but it was painful.
Important things I let go of during this purge:
~The idea of having my perfect dream home now, as opposed to later. It turns out, just like a baby, my dream house, rented or owned, just isn't in the immediate future. It doesn't mean I won't get it some day, I just won't get it now.
~The hoarded baby clothing I've been collecting for the past two years. This was hard. I kept only my absolute favorite things, but everything else was donated.
~My crib. My amazing clearance convertible crib that has been stored in some of the strangest places for lack of space. I couldn't look at it anymore, and face my disappointment, and my failure. This doesn't mean I won't one day need a crib, it just means I don't need that one, and its ideas and dreams and memories and judgments. I gave this to my good friend and now roommate's brother -- the father of the aforementioned 16 year old boy -- who is expecting a baby in January. He needed it, I didn't. It wasn't wasted, but I was able to let go of it.
~Our dog crate. Killian, my poodle mix, is over a year old, hasn't done anything destructive in months really, is fixed, and is ready to be a grown-up dog. Sometimes we have to modify our routines when our kids grow up. He is a big boy now, and he doesn't need me constantly watching him. I can trust him now.
To make the move just that more difficult, Killian got scared and ran away on that final day. I spent about 4 hours driving around the neighborhood calling his name and asking people if they saw him. When I finally gave up for the night (though obviously not for good), I went back to the old place to help my husband finish collecting the last of our things and the last bit of cleaning. He dropped and shattered a dog bowl I bought as Killian's first birthday gift in July. Between giving up all the baby stuff, and having my baby dog missing, and then having his birthday gift shatter, it was all just too much for me and I broke down. I cried for several minutes, then pulled myself together, like I always do, and went home to my new home. The next morning, animal control found Killian, scared and covered in motor oil, but otherwise unharmed, hiding in a yard nearby. I can't begin to say how relieved I was.
All in all, it was a crazy week, of stress and sadness and fear and frustration, but ultimately it is all so much better already this week. We are settled and we are happy, so far.
In an effort to move forward and let go of hangups from the past, I've decided I need to get back to being creative and productive. I'm not sure I'm ready to sew yet, but I am ready to set up a sewing area. Via my sister-in-law, I discovered an amazing website with plans to make hundreds of handy wood items. I'm working on a modified fold-up sewing table that is based on plans from this site. Then, I'll make a desk for my husband's home office, and Adirondack-inspired patio furniture.
Additionally, I am clearing out an amazing and huge raised-bed organic garden that was in-place but neglected for the past three (or more) years. I've started watering the soil and pulling weeds. Within a week, I'll turn the soil, fully, and add some organic fertilizer and compost, as well as lots of worms, and start some stuff inside. Since I live in sunny San Diego, where the weather is always temperate, I have just enough time to grow some radishes, spinach, kale, and lettuce before winter begins. I also made an amazingly helpful planting and growing calendar so I don't miss anything.
I'll write more, now that I'm in better shape, emotionally. I'm not giving up, I'm moving forward. I'm making it a point to be happier, and take more time for me. I think everything is working out for the best.
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