My last month has been utter chaos. The chaos of a remodel and new department and responsibilities at work, mixed with the chaos of a recent move, have been somewhat overwhelming. Our lease ended on September 18th, but we were without a new place to rent until the day before. My very good friend needed a couple of roommates at the same time we needed a home, so it worked out for everyone, but it was extremely stressful, nonetheless.
The new home is a big change. It is a house, not an apartment, but it is shared with far more people than I was originally hoping. I'm at a time in my life where I need a certain amount of privacy and ownership. Instead, my husband and I are living with my two closest friends, and an odd, but lovely 16 year old boy. There are perks and disadvantages, as there are with all things in life. Everyone is busy enough that it rarely seems like so many people live together, and in the past week together, I already feel a strong family dynamic building, which is really exactly what I think I needed through everything. My husband's family lives nearby, but I don't have any family here other than my sister, who lives in a whole different world than I do as far as where we are in our adulthood. I need family, and family I've grown, even if not by blood. The family I am creating is by choice, so it is pretty amazing.
I went through a great purge during the move. In addition to the need to give up stuff for sake of space, I knew I needed to give up some ideas, as well. I am a dreamer, always a few steps in the future from everyone around me, and I needed to give up on some of the dreams I had, so I could adjust to the reality around me. I'm replacing them with new dreams, don't worry. It wasn't a bad purge, but it was painful.
Important things I let go of during this purge:
~The idea of having my perfect dream home now, as opposed to later. It turns out, just like a baby, my dream house, rented or owned, just isn't in the immediate future. It doesn't mean I won't get it some day, I just won't get it now.
~The hoarded baby clothing I've been collecting for the past two years. This was hard. I kept only my absolute favorite things, but everything else was donated.
~My crib. My amazing clearance convertible crib that has been stored in some of the strangest places for lack of space. I couldn't look at it anymore, and face my disappointment, and my failure. This doesn't mean I won't one day need a crib, it just means I don't need that one, and its ideas and dreams and memories and judgments. I gave this to my good friend and now roommate's brother -- the father of the aforementioned 16 year old boy -- who is expecting a baby in January. He needed it, I didn't. It wasn't wasted, but I was able to let go of it.
~Our dog crate. Killian, my poodle mix, is over a year old, hasn't done anything destructive in months really, is fixed, and is ready to be a grown-up dog. Sometimes we have to modify our routines when our kids grow up. He is a big boy now, and he doesn't need me constantly watching him. I can trust him now.
To make the move just that more difficult, Killian got scared and ran away on that final day. I spent about 4 hours driving around the neighborhood calling his name and asking people if they saw him. When I finally gave up for the night (though obviously not for good), I went back to the old place to help my husband finish collecting the last of our things and the last bit of cleaning. He dropped and shattered a dog bowl I bought as Killian's first birthday gift in July. Between giving up all the baby stuff, and having my baby dog missing, and then having his birthday gift shatter, it was all just too much for me and I broke down. I cried for several minutes, then pulled myself together, like I always do, and went home to my new home. The next morning, animal control found Killian, scared and covered in motor oil, but otherwise unharmed, hiding in a yard nearby. I can't begin to say how relieved I was.
All in all, it was a crazy week, of stress and sadness and fear and frustration, but ultimately it is all so much better already this week. We are settled and we are happy, so far.
In an effort to move forward and let go of hangups from the past, I've decided I need to get back to being creative and productive. I'm not sure I'm ready to sew yet, but I am ready to set up a sewing area. Via my sister-in-law, I discovered an amazing website with plans to make hundreds of handy wood items. I'm working on a modified fold-up sewing table that is based on plans from this site. Then, I'll make a desk for my husband's home office, and Adirondack-inspired patio furniture.
Additionally, I am clearing out an amazing and huge raised-bed organic garden that was in-place but neglected for the past three (or more) years. I've started watering the soil and pulling weeds. Within a week, I'll turn the soil, fully, and add some organic fertilizer and compost, as well as lots of worms, and start some stuff inside. Since I live in sunny San Diego, where the weather is always temperate, I have just enough time to grow some radishes, spinach, kale, and lettuce before winter begins. I also made an amazingly helpful planting and growing calendar so I don't miss anything.
I'll write more, now that I'm in better shape, emotionally. I'm not giving up, I'm moving forward. I'm making it a point to be happier, and take more time for me. I think everything is working out for the best.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Dreams...
I woke up from a horrible dream today. It was an incredibly emotional dream.
In the dream, my husband and I were driving home from work and saw a young black toddler girl running (or rather toddling quickly) on the dashed line between the number one and number two lanes on the freeway. It was as if no one saw her, or no one cared. After a bit of effort, my husband and I were able to pull over, wait until a moment when there was a gap in traffic on the number one lane, and rush in to save her. I remember the panic and horror, watching cars come too close for comfort to her, her crying out of fear and confusion, and me feeling totally helpless. It reminded me of a time in real life when a stray puppy started following me home, and couldn't be dissuaded. I eventually had to encourage the puppy to follow me across a busy street so I could control his timing and he would have less of a chance of getting hit. Just as I was crossing the street, though, the little puppy stopped to pee. When he finished, he ran across the street to reach me, but it was too late, and a car hit him hard in the hip, breaking at least one of his legs. I felt so guilty for not protecting this poor puppy, and then had no choice but to get on my bus and leave him in the hands of some people in the neighborhood. I had no phone, no money to make any calls, was in a very unsafe neighborhood, would have had no way to contact a vet or my parents, and would have had to wait another hour in the neighborhood as it became dark and even less safe. I know I made the right decision leaving the puppy with the other people, but I still felt like it was so much my responsibility and I had just left him. I checked back with several people in the neighborhood over the next few weeks, but no one had any idea what I was talking about, and I never heard what happened to the poor guy. Watching the girl in my dream running, and not immediately being able to save her, and the fear that looking at her might cause her to run the wrong way and get hit, all gave me nearly crippling fear, and a huge feeling of anxiety and nausea.
This is not the end of the dream, nor why it was so emotional and harsh.
We saved her. I made sure she was safe. I overcame my fear and was the only person to make any attempt to save her. I was the only person who seemed to care. My husband and I did the right thing.
Then, in the dream, instead of immediately calling 911 and having police and medical involved to ensure she was safe and could be reunited with her family, I decided she must be running on the freeway because of unfit parents, and that she was some sort of divine gift to me. I found her, I saved her, I could keep her. The fact that I later discovered she had blue eyes, like me, only seemed to reinforce this idea in my mind--something like serendipity. We stopped at a store with her on the way home and roughly estimated her age and diaper size, clothing size, and dietary needs. Finally, we headed home with her. She seemed happy, and we took this to mean we were doing the right thing and she now belonged with us. We bathed her, fed her, played with her, and went to sleep with her, all without once calling the authorities. We even stopped somewhere to make dinner reservations for Thanksgiving, adding her to the attendance count.
Then I woke up. When I woke up, I remembered thinking I should call the authorities. I remember thinking that what we were doing was not entirely saving her. She should be checked by a doctor for any injuries, and in the case of her running off (and her real parents not being to blame), who was I to decide they were ultimately unfit as parents and I would be the best candidate to raise this child. I remember thinking all these things in the dream, knowing my actions and reactions and lack of acting was so so wrong, but doing them anyway, out of desperation and selfishness.
It broke my heart to think that subconsciously, in a dream, I could take actions that were clearly so fundamentally wrong, and rationalize them as being right. I had, after all, SAVED the little girl's life.
She was such a lovely child, too.
In the dream, my husband and I were driving home from work and saw a young black toddler girl running (or rather toddling quickly) on the dashed line between the number one and number two lanes on the freeway. It was as if no one saw her, or no one cared. After a bit of effort, my husband and I were able to pull over, wait until a moment when there was a gap in traffic on the number one lane, and rush in to save her. I remember the panic and horror, watching cars come too close for comfort to her, her crying out of fear and confusion, and me feeling totally helpless. It reminded me of a time in real life when a stray puppy started following me home, and couldn't be dissuaded. I eventually had to encourage the puppy to follow me across a busy street so I could control his timing and he would have less of a chance of getting hit. Just as I was crossing the street, though, the little puppy stopped to pee. When he finished, he ran across the street to reach me, but it was too late, and a car hit him hard in the hip, breaking at least one of his legs. I felt so guilty for not protecting this poor puppy, and then had no choice but to get on my bus and leave him in the hands of some people in the neighborhood. I had no phone, no money to make any calls, was in a very unsafe neighborhood, would have had no way to contact a vet or my parents, and would have had to wait another hour in the neighborhood as it became dark and even less safe. I know I made the right decision leaving the puppy with the other people, but I still felt like it was so much my responsibility and I had just left him. I checked back with several people in the neighborhood over the next few weeks, but no one had any idea what I was talking about, and I never heard what happened to the poor guy. Watching the girl in my dream running, and not immediately being able to save her, and the fear that looking at her might cause her to run the wrong way and get hit, all gave me nearly crippling fear, and a huge feeling of anxiety and nausea.
This is not the end of the dream, nor why it was so emotional and harsh.
We saved her. I made sure she was safe. I overcame my fear and was the only person to make any attempt to save her. I was the only person who seemed to care. My husband and I did the right thing.
Then, in the dream, instead of immediately calling 911 and having police and medical involved to ensure she was safe and could be reunited with her family, I decided she must be running on the freeway because of unfit parents, and that she was some sort of divine gift to me. I found her, I saved her, I could keep her. The fact that I later discovered she had blue eyes, like me, only seemed to reinforce this idea in my mind--something like serendipity. We stopped at a store with her on the way home and roughly estimated her age and diaper size, clothing size, and dietary needs. Finally, we headed home with her. She seemed happy, and we took this to mean we were doing the right thing and she now belonged with us. We bathed her, fed her, played with her, and went to sleep with her, all without once calling the authorities. We even stopped somewhere to make dinner reservations for Thanksgiving, adding her to the attendance count.
Then I woke up. When I woke up, I remembered thinking I should call the authorities. I remember thinking that what we were doing was not entirely saving her. She should be checked by a doctor for any injuries, and in the case of her running off (and her real parents not being to blame), who was I to decide they were ultimately unfit as parents and I would be the best candidate to raise this child. I remember thinking all these things in the dream, knowing my actions and reactions and lack of acting was so so wrong, but doing them anyway, out of desperation and selfishness.
It broke my heart to think that subconsciously, in a dream, I could take actions that were clearly so fundamentally wrong, and rationalize them as being right. I had, after all, SAVED the little girl's life.
She was such a lovely child, too.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Catharsis
Today, I had a productive day at work, and then a productive day at home. I did a deep cleaning of my apartment. I am not always the tidiest of people, and my husband is usually way too busy to clean much, but I make sure I do at least half-an-hour's worth of cleaning everyday. Today was far more productive than usual, though. There is something truly peaceful about knowing that everything is clean and in its rightful place. When I used to get angry or depressed, I could always be found in the bathroom or kitchen, scrubbing the floor by hand one foot at ta time. I would scrub for hours and hours. I think it made me feel the same way that runners feel about going for a run...it was cathartic. When I am doing deep cleaning, time and the worries and the entire world melt away. I get lost deep deep in my thoughts, and don't know what is going on around me. I think this is one of the only times that I allow myself to be creative anymore. I too often feel guilty taking time to daydream -- it isn't productive. I feel more at peace today, though, because of this cleaning.
I think it also helps that my cleaning music tends to be Bright Eyes circa 2002. :)
I think it also helps that my cleaning music tends to be Bright Eyes circa 2002. :)
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Sad.
It makes me sad when I think about how quickly time is flying by and how quickly we are aging, yet we have not gotten half of what we wanted. I know we have time, but it is disheartening. I have been jogging lately, which really means jogging for as long as I can and then walking casually for long periods of time while I catch my breath. The neighborhoods near where I live are all very quiet, nice, family-type neighborhoods. Everyone is walking dogs or pushing strollers or tending to gardens in that part of town. It is a constant reminder. While I technically have a stroller to push, not having a baby in it would be very unusual. I have no garden. I have no house. When I think about the adoption process, I feel an unspoken pressure to have more and be more. It may not be a criteria, officially, but I know it is frowned upon to give lovely abandoned children to parents who rent apartments and drive cars with electrical problems and who have no savings to speak of. If I need more, and need to be better, to have a baby given to me, I am nauseated at where to start. I mean, really. I couldn't see a fertility specialist until after a year of being unsuccessful, and then it was almost a full year until I went through treatment. Without any savings, we're looking at a minimum of two years to put together a down payment for a house. If we go that route, school is out of the question for me. I don't want to go back to school, but I feel like we'd have a better chance of having a baby given to us if at least one of us has a degree. So, if I go the school route, we're looking at four years before we can have a house. That means at least five years before we'd be able to have a child adopted to us, assuming the good folks working for adoption agencies are really looking out for the best interest of the children involved. That's five years if we really start working toward that goal now. Not tomorrow. So, say I fall asleep tonight, and the world spins so fast as it does and suddenly it is next year, and it is all just too late? Then what? Disheartening, isn't it?
I don't want to give up, but I also don't know if I can go a total of seven or more years with the singular goal of trying to have a baby. I don't know if I have the strength. Sad.
I don't want to give up, but I also don't know if I can go a total of seven or more years with the singular goal of trying to have a baby. I don't know if I have the strength. Sad.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Today, at work, the loveliest thing happened. A woman came up to me to tell me that her 3 year old grandson, who was not with her today, had a puppy dog crush on me. I've never met the boy, but he looks for me whenever shopping, and talks about me at his house. I think that was just about the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me.
Toddlers can be so cute sometimes.
Toddlers can be so cute sometimes.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
North West Refreshment
I went on vacation last week. It was exactly what I think my husband and I both needed. It was beautiful and grounding and I think the rain cleansed a bit of our sadness.
I'm not going to lie. It was a very emotional trip -- even stressful at times. It was really hard seeing all the babies and young children of college friends at the wedding, and seeing their families' joy. Worse than the reminder of my infertility, what made me so emotional was I really didn't want to leave. In 27 years, I've never felt at home anywhere. In Portland, OR, I felt at home. More than ever, I wanted to make a home, nest, and get back to the business of family-making. Alas, there are responsibilities my husband and I each have, including Maggie and Killian, who stayed home this time, and work, of course. We'll get back up there soon enough, I'll just keep telling myself.
Noteworthy parts of the trip:
Seeing my parents and brother after almost two years.
My close friend getting married.
Bridal Falls at 10 pm, after the wedding, just my hubbs and me in the dark, trying to take photos.
The gorgeous Japanese Garden in Portland (which literally brought tears to my husbands eyes).
Food carts!!!!!
Strip clubs and bike lanes everywhere! (What a combo.)
Seeing my other close friend, again after almost two years.
The drive home...(We bought Game of Thrones, the audio book, and finished all 28 disks within two hours of finishing the drive back.)
Without further delay, photos of some of the beauty we got to see:
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| Late afternoon looking out over my parents' property. Still California, but just barely. |
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| We got stuck on a bridge waiting for a rock slide to be cleared. Great time to get out and take pictures! |
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| It was really bright and I forgot my sunglasses in San Diego. |
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| Entrance to Oaks Reserve at Sellwood park. Sellwood is definitely an area we liked a lot, especially because of magical places like this. |
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| The best shot we could get of Bridal Falls, it was so dark. This was on my camera's slowest shutter speed setting. |
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| The Japanese Garden was truly breathtaking. |
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| There was a modern bonsai exhibit. This one makes me so happy. |
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| This happy, fat robin wasn't bothered by the rain, either! |
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| It took patience and bravery to capture this photo of a bee in an azalea bush. |
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| Animals visited me a lot on this trip, like this charming crow at a food cart yard. |
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| Just a few carts. |
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| I loved all the brightly painted houses near Belmont and Laurelhurst. This is the food cart parking lot for just one food cart "court". |
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| Mt. Shasta always means we're heading home. |
Now that we are settled back home, I'm trying to resettle into my old life here. Work has been exciting, to say the least, but I'm determined not to let that get me down. I have been making more me time, though. I've made it a point to read everyday, which is an activity that always made me feel guilty in the past (there are just so many tasks to do, always), and I've been exercising every day. I've been looking into yoga classes near my apartment so I can bike to them, as well as trying to convince my husband to go rock climbing at a gym soon. I put on a bit of weight with all the hormones, and I want it gone and to be healthier. I'm also getting a massage. It's been four years. After everything, I think I'm a little entitled. Besides, I'm still secretly crossing my fingers that I miraculously ovulate and conceive one of these days, even after staged attempts failed. Maybe I just need some relaxation. Or maybe I was missing feeling at home. I feel like I just got to drink buckets of water after a long drought. It made me feel whole again. I know a place is just a place, in theory, but in practice, it makes all the difference in the world.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The wall
Doctors always say stress plays a key roll in infertility. Maybe they are right.
Before finding out the results, the first time around, I was excited. I was optimistic. I was hopeful. Not used to the symptoms of a period, I mistook tender breasts and fatigue for good signs.
After the first failure, I was fine at first, then one day I wasn't. I felt hopeless and scared. Really scared. Then I stopped creating. I haven't sewn or knitted in weeks. I started to work on receiving blankets and was horribly nauseated thinking about who I'd give all my things to if I'm unsuccessful in this venture.
After the second failure I lost hope. My optimism was shot, and I literally felt empty. I felt like I was missing something inside my womb, and I knew it wasn't there, as crazy as that sounds.
I was numb for weeks, waiting for the results of that final failure. I cried the day I received news of my second failure. I was sitting in my car alone in my apartment garage after a full day of doctors. After my pregnancy blood draw, I went to get my pap smear, and then I went to my endocrinologist. It was a long day. I knew I wasn't pregnant even though I hadn't yet started my period, but the news still came as a blow. I think that was the hardest I may have cried up to that point in my life. I pulled myself together and called my husband. Then I was numb until after the final IUI. My husband couldn't get out of work for the final insemination, so I was alone.
My final pregnancy test should have been today, but I cancelled it.
My period started Monday evening, and there is no doubt it is a full blown baby-free period.
We're not sure what steps we are ready to take from here. We are going on vacation next week, and will spend time with family and friends and each other, relaxing, destressing, and enjoying each other. When my mourning has ended, we'll meet with my doctor to find out our other options. Can we do another series of ovulation induction down the road, or are we cut off permanently? With PCOS, I'm at risk for cancer if I don't have periods often enough, so they recommend taking birth control to regulate the cycles. Can I alternate taking birth control for a short time with not taking it in hopes of ovulating and becoming pregnant naturally? We don't want to do In Vitro Fertilization, and I already know that's what they will try to push.
Then, of course, there is adoption. Finding agencies will be enough of a challenge, but will at least get us going in a particular direction. We can start working toward specific goals at that point, and prepare ourselves for the let downs and long waits for children through that route.
I'm sad. I'm lonely. I feel like I can talk with lots of people, but none of them actually comprehend the way I feel. It is only made worse by more pregnancies surrounding me. I'm strong and I have an amazing partnership with my husband and a lot of support from family and friends, though, so we'll get through this and we'll start our family. I'm scared of the process, but I'm confident in the end result.
Before finding out the results, the first time around, I was excited. I was optimistic. I was hopeful. Not used to the symptoms of a period, I mistook tender breasts and fatigue for good signs.
After the first failure, I was fine at first, then one day I wasn't. I felt hopeless and scared. Really scared. Then I stopped creating. I haven't sewn or knitted in weeks. I started to work on receiving blankets and was horribly nauseated thinking about who I'd give all my things to if I'm unsuccessful in this venture.
After the second failure I lost hope. My optimism was shot, and I literally felt empty. I felt like I was missing something inside my womb, and I knew it wasn't there, as crazy as that sounds.
I was numb for weeks, waiting for the results of that final failure. I cried the day I received news of my second failure. I was sitting in my car alone in my apartment garage after a full day of doctors. After my pregnancy blood draw, I went to get my pap smear, and then I went to my endocrinologist. It was a long day. I knew I wasn't pregnant even though I hadn't yet started my period, but the news still came as a blow. I think that was the hardest I may have cried up to that point in my life. I pulled myself together and called my husband. Then I was numb until after the final IUI. My husband couldn't get out of work for the final insemination, so I was alone.
My final pregnancy test should have been today, but I cancelled it.
My period started Monday evening, and there is no doubt it is a full blown baby-free period.
We're not sure what steps we are ready to take from here. We are going on vacation next week, and will spend time with family and friends and each other, relaxing, destressing, and enjoying each other. When my mourning has ended, we'll meet with my doctor to find out our other options. Can we do another series of ovulation induction down the road, or are we cut off permanently? With PCOS, I'm at risk for cancer if I don't have periods often enough, so they recommend taking birth control to regulate the cycles. Can I alternate taking birth control for a short time with not taking it in hopes of ovulating and becoming pregnant naturally? We don't want to do In Vitro Fertilization, and I already know that's what they will try to push.
Then, of course, there is adoption. Finding agencies will be enough of a challenge, but will at least get us going in a particular direction. We can start working toward specific goals at that point, and prepare ourselves for the let downs and long waits for children through that route.
I'm sad. I'm lonely. I feel like I can talk with lots of people, but none of them actually comprehend the way I feel. It is only made worse by more pregnancies surrounding me. I'm strong and I have an amazing partnership with my husband and a lot of support from family and friends, though, so we'll get through this and we'll start our family. I'm scared of the process, but I'm confident in the end result.
Friday, April 15, 2011
The end of a long week.
I am finally finished with my overnight shifts for the week. There are so many things happening with work that it was nice to have the time, away from the team or guests, to sort things out.
My spotting turned into more than spotting, and I had the blood test for pregnancy this morning, but without even receiving the results, I also had another baseline ultrasound to start this process over. I started Clomid, again, but this time double the dose. Next Friday I go in again, before work, for the follow-up ultrasound that lets us know when I get to shoot up the medicine to make me ovulate.
I'm really tired. I'm glad that I found out I wasn't pregnant yet by starting my period, and not from a phone call. At least this way I had time to process it.
My hubby and I are going to dinner and a movie. I am excited to spend some quality time with him.
My spotting turned into more than spotting, and I had the blood test for pregnancy this morning, but without even receiving the results, I also had another baseline ultrasound to start this process over. I started Clomid, again, but this time double the dose. Next Friday I go in again, before work, for the follow-up ultrasound that lets us know when I get to shoot up the medicine to make me ovulate.
I'm really tired. I'm glad that I found out I wasn't pregnant yet by starting my period, and not from a phone call. At least this way I had time to process it.
My hubby and I are going to dinner and a movie. I am excited to spend some quality time with him.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Getting closer.
I am working overnight all week and have had a lot of extra time to lose myself in thought. I take my pregnancy test in three days and a few hours and, as usual, I'm starting to worry about things that are out of my control. My doctor called to confirm I had actually ovulated, based on a blood test I took last friday. My breasts have been miserably sore, and I am very hormonal, so I already knew something for sure was happening. I also started cramping a little today, and spotting just the teeny tiniest little bit. Implantation bleeding? That would be great. Beginning of my period? Equally possible. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed.
I have been through my fair share of letdowns the past two years. My husband and I charted my cycles, used ovulation indicator strips for months, all just to realize I don't ovulate. I sprung my first appointment with the fertility specialist on my husband. We've been seeing her almost a year, now. First I had a blood test that took nine vials of blood. Then I had to have a dye test. That was painful, physically and emotionally. I have a uterine anomoly, it turns out, on top of my hypothyroidism and PCOS. The results of the dye test were concerning enough that my doctor had me then have and MRI of my abdomen, to get a better idea of how severe my anomoly was while also checking I had two kidneys. There is a high risk of missing a kidney when your uterus is heart shaped, like mine. There were discussions of surgeries and other scary things of that nature. Luckily the MRI clearly showed two kidneys and cleared the need for surgery, but not how the threat had made me feel. I still remember breaking down in my HR manager's office when I had to let her know I might have to miss work during the Christmas holidays.
Once we finally had everything figured out, and started the process of conception, my husband had to leave town for work.
I'm worried. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. What if this doesn't work? I cried so much today, watching Parenthood, when one of the characters who had been trying to conceive for four months found out she wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I'm praying I don't have to go through much more bad news.
I have been through my fair share of letdowns the past two years. My husband and I charted my cycles, used ovulation indicator strips for months, all just to realize I don't ovulate. I sprung my first appointment with the fertility specialist on my husband. We've been seeing her almost a year, now. First I had a blood test that took nine vials of blood. Then I had to have a dye test. That was painful, physically and emotionally. I have a uterine anomoly, it turns out, on top of my hypothyroidism and PCOS. The results of the dye test were concerning enough that my doctor had me then have and MRI of my abdomen, to get a better idea of how severe my anomoly was while also checking I had two kidneys. There is a high risk of missing a kidney when your uterus is heart shaped, like mine. There were discussions of surgeries and other scary things of that nature. Luckily the MRI clearly showed two kidneys and cleared the need for surgery, but not how the threat had made me feel. I still remember breaking down in my HR manager's office when I had to let her know I might have to miss work during the Christmas holidays.
Once we finally had everything figured out, and started the process of conception, my husband had to leave town for work.
I'm worried. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. What if this doesn't work? I cried so much today, watching Parenthood, when one of the characters who had been trying to conceive for four months found out she wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I'm praying I don't have to go through much more bad news.
Monday, April 4, 2011
My Vacation is Nearing its End.
I had a lovely birthday. I went and got my last tattoo as a non-mom. I'd post a picture, but it looks a little peely still, so that'll have to wait. My birthday was pretty mellow since my husband was very very sick. A few times his temperature went above 103*F. I still have a bruise on my tummy from the Ovidrel injection, too.
Friday was also pretty nice. The hubbs had a home-office day, so I got to hang out with him a lot more, even though he was still really sick, and also had a lot of work to do. It was weird not having a single day off together during my vacation. It made it feel less like a vacation, and more like a few extra days off work. My appointment went well. IUIs are less painful than I expected. The hubbs' little guys were especially active and social despite his fever. He already had a high count and motility, but it was even higher that day, which made my doctor happy. After we were done, we went home and just relaxed with each other. I would have to say, Friday was much more special to me than my birthday, and my husband did a great job of taking care of me even as I was taking care of him. Luckily he is sick no more!
I get my progesterone levels checked next Friday, before work. My pregnancy test is scheduled for April 15th, the Friday after that and is immediately followed by my next endocrinology appointment, and my first appointment with my new OB/GYN is three weeks after that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed so hard.
Birthday stuff of note:
I had a tasty breakfast at Indigo Grill in Little Italy, Saturday, as a joint celebration of my birthday with my BIL. While everyone else went with pineapple upside-down french toast, and some sort of savory chicken burrito, I was the lone rebel who chose chocolate bacon pancakes. They were tasty, but not exactly what I expected. Either way, I'm glad Indigo Grill now has weekend brunch!
I went on an additional shopping spree and bought some shoes that are totally not sensible, nor pregnancy friendly. They are wedge sandals with fabric that ties them around your ankle. I love them, practical or not! I also go some really cute and comfy pleated denim shorts, a lace-back tank top that will totally still fit my for the first half of my pregnancy (summertime in San Diego) and a teal cropped sweater. I swore I also bought a beautiful teal floral blouse, and spent literally hours this weekend looking for it, but finally stopped when my SIL informed me that I hadn't actually bought it. I guess I was trying to be thrifty...something about it not being worth $25, which is actually incorrect. I think I'm going back for it today. :)
My sister and husband both bought me tulips. My sister's were potted yellow tulips.
My husband's were a bouquet of different colored tulips in a simple, but pretty, green vase.
Last, but not least, my other SIL (sorry guys, I have six to choose from, so I know it's hard to follow...) made me a placemat of sorts for my sewing machine, and a sewing machine cover. She gave me the extra fabric she didn't use, which is awesome because they are aqua and yellow! I also discovered my newfound love for artgalleryfabrics.com because of this gift! Fun stuff.
Pardon the mess behind/under the sewing machine. Due to lack of my own little workspace, I have been using my bedside table as a sewing stand, and all my projects are piled on the floor and in my reading chair nearby, on my side of the bed, where my husband won't move them. I have a body pillow still needing me to create it a cover, some fabric for a dress I was planning on sewing but never got around to, and won't fit anytime while I'm pregnant, wool for spinning that is draped across the top of our crib box so it could dry after recently being washed, and a few alteration WIPs. My husband disagrees, but I feel like I would be more organized if I had a studio/workspace. I had one last year, but it was poorly lit, with no music and was on the other side of the house from everything else, so I felt like I was banished every time I went in there to work.
In other news, I'm still working on fine-tuning a crochet pattern for cotton washcloths/afghan squares. This is what I have so far:
I'm also in the process of sewing myself a denim skirt, and finishing up a few crib sheets so I can finally finish one crib set, once and for all (Okay, so I'll still have the crib skirt to make, but at least I'll be one step closer, right?), and am crocheting myself a fun bright green poncho! I'm a little poncho crazy these days. Anyway, right now, I'm going to go attempt some more custard. Wish me luck!!
Friday was also pretty nice. The hubbs had a home-office day, so I got to hang out with him a lot more, even though he was still really sick, and also had a lot of work to do. It was weird not having a single day off together during my vacation. It made it feel less like a vacation, and more like a few extra days off work. My appointment went well. IUIs are less painful than I expected. The hubbs' little guys were especially active and social despite his fever. He already had a high count and motility, but it was even higher that day, which made my doctor happy. After we were done, we went home and just relaxed with each other. I would have to say, Friday was much more special to me than my birthday, and my husband did a great job of taking care of me even as I was taking care of him. Luckily he is sick no more!
I get my progesterone levels checked next Friday, before work. My pregnancy test is scheduled for April 15th, the Friday after that and is immediately followed by my next endocrinology appointment, and my first appointment with my new OB/GYN is three weeks after that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed so hard.
Birthday stuff of note:
I had a tasty breakfast at Indigo Grill in Little Italy, Saturday, as a joint celebration of my birthday with my BIL. While everyone else went with pineapple upside-down french toast, and some sort of savory chicken burrito, I was the lone rebel who chose chocolate bacon pancakes. They were tasty, but not exactly what I expected. Either way, I'm glad Indigo Grill now has weekend brunch!
I went on an additional shopping spree and bought some shoes that are totally not sensible, nor pregnancy friendly. They are wedge sandals with fabric that ties them around your ankle. I love them, practical or not! I also go some really cute and comfy pleated denim shorts, a lace-back tank top that will totally still fit my for the first half of my pregnancy (summertime in San Diego) and a teal cropped sweater. I swore I also bought a beautiful teal floral blouse, and spent literally hours this weekend looking for it, but finally stopped when my SIL informed me that I hadn't actually bought it. I guess I was trying to be thrifty...something about it not being worth $25, which is actually incorrect. I think I'm going back for it today. :)
My sister and husband both bought me tulips. My sister's were potted yellow tulips.
My husband's were a bouquet of different colored tulips in a simple, but pretty, green vase.
Pardon the mess behind/under the sewing machine. Due to lack of my own little workspace, I have been using my bedside table as a sewing stand, and all my projects are piled on the floor and in my reading chair nearby, on my side of the bed, where my husband won't move them. I have a body pillow still needing me to create it a cover, some fabric for a dress I was planning on sewing but never got around to, and won't fit anytime while I'm pregnant, wool for spinning that is draped across the top of our crib box so it could dry after recently being washed, and a few alteration WIPs. My husband disagrees, but I feel like I would be more organized if I had a studio/workspace. I had one last year, but it was poorly lit, with no music and was on the other side of the house from everything else, so I felt like I was banished every time I went in there to work.
In other news, I'm still working on fine-tuning a crochet pattern for cotton washcloths/afghan squares. This is what I have so far:
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Happy Birthday to ME!!!
I am a little sleepy, but I'll go back to bed soon. I'm just so excited about some things that I decided it might help me sleep better if I shared. Let me just say that vacation is a great time to be productive.
I finally got the quilt binding on, except I ran out with one foot needed to finish it, so I think I just might need to take a birthday trip to Joann's. I also finished the outside of the crib bumper. It just needs the padding and the ties to be sewn on!! The ties are bias tape that matches the quilt binding, just sewn together to make a cord, pretty much. Here's a little picture of what's done of the set so far:
I also, finally, finished the carseat! Well, I didn't make the canopy yet, but that is mainly because I'm not decided on which fabric to use for it...
Anyway, I'll post a simple photo tutorial of the process soon, but for now photos of the finished product will have to suffice.
I readjusted the straps, so I shouldn't need too much effort to get it ready to go when I eventually need it. It didn't turn out perfect, but I had a lot of fun in the process of making it, and am happy with how it turned out.
As for the rest of my day yesterday, I spilled coffee on the other new tee I made Tuesday, so I couldn't take pictures of it. I also think I've established a little bit of a birthday tradition for myself. Last year, two days before my birthday my husband told me he was buying me a tattoo for my birthday. The day before my birthday I rode my bike to my favorite local shop (Avalon 2) and Mike signed me into his date book for the early afternoon of my birthday. This year, pretty much the same thing happened, except my sister tagged along. Today I'm getting the last tattoo I'll ever have as a non-mom, hopefully. It is also the beginning of a family tattoo--two elephants facing each other with their trunks interlocked to create a heart. On each of their sides is a panel with flowers. One elephant represents my husband and the other represents me. They are going on my hip with enough space to add baby elephants clinging to the mama and daddy elephants' tails. That happens at noon today!!
Also yesterday, I convinced my sister to buy me a pair of earrings I've wanted to a while but felt too guilty buying for myself. Since they were almost $80, they count as my late Christmas gift, too. I have stretched ears, but I like big, girlie earrings, so when I saw these, I knew they eventually needed to be mine. I'm searching now for a pair of yellow pyrex glass stars along the same lines. If anyone sees any out there, LET ME KNOW! (Please.)
I made lasagna and forgot it out on top of the stove. I also made chicken soup for my poor sick husband.
And...I gave myself my first shot: Ovidrel! That means I'm ovulating!!! I really don't like shots. Tattoos and piercings are totally fine for me, but injecting yourself with anything from a syringe grosses me out and makes me feel super uncomfortable. It was worth the squeemishness, though, to know that little Dylan may come from all this.
I'm going back to bed for a little nap, then its off to my tattoo, to lunch with my sister, and then to dinner with my husband. Then tomorrow is the big day. I'm excited about it. This birthday, I've got a lot to be happy about!
I finally got the quilt binding on, except I ran out with one foot needed to finish it, so I think I just might need to take a birthday trip to Joann's. I also finished the outside of the crib bumper. It just needs the padding and the ties to be sewn on!! The ties are bias tape that matches the quilt binding, just sewn together to make a cord, pretty much. Here's a little picture of what's done of the set so far:
I also, finally, finished the carseat! Well, I didn't make the canopy yet, but that is mainly because I'm not decided on which fabric to use for it...
Anyway, I'll post a simple photo tutorial of the process soon, but for now photos of the finished product will have to suffice.
I readjusted the straps, so I shouldn't need too much effort to get it ready to go when I eventually need it. It didn't turn out perfect, but I had a lot of fun in the process of making it, and am happy with how it turned out.
As for the rest of my day yesterday, I spilled coffee on the other new tee I made Tuesday, so I couldn't take pictures of it. I also think I've established a little bit of a birthday tradition for myself. Last year, two days before my birthday my husband told me he was buying me a tattoo for my birthday. The day before my birthday I rode my bike to my favorite local shop (Avalon 2) and Mike signed me into his date book for the early afternoon of my birthday. This year, pretty much the same thing happened, except my sister tagged along. Today I'm getting the last tattoo I'll ever have as a non-mom, hopefully. It is also the beginning of a family tattoo--two elephants facing each other with their trunks interlocked to create a heart. On each of their sides is a panel with flowers. One elephant represents my husband and the other represents me. They are going on my hip with enough space to add baby elephants clinging to the mama and daddy elephants' tails. That happens at noon today!!
Also yesterday, I convinced my sister to buy me a pair of earrings I've wanted to a while but felt too guilty buying for myself. Since they were almost $80, they count as my late Christmas gift, too. I have stretched ears, but I like big, girlie earrings, so when I saw these, I knew they eventually needed to be mine. I'm searching now for a pair of yellow pyrex glass stars along the same lines. If anyone sees any out there, LET ME KNOW! (Please.)
I made lasagna and forgot it out on top of the stove. I also made chicken soup for my poor sick husband.
And...I gave myself my first shot: Ovidrel! That means I'm ovulating!!! I really don't like shots. Tattoos and piercings are totally fine for me, but injecting yourself with anything from a syringe grosses me out and makes me feel super uncomfortable. It was worth the squeemishness, though, to know that little Dylan may come from all this.
I'm going back to bed for a little nap, then its off to my tattoo, to lunch with my sister, and then to dinner with my husband. Then tomorrow is the big day. I'm excited about it. This birthday, I've got a lot to be happy about!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Birthday surprises, good and bad.
I had an amazing day yesterday.
First I had another follow-up ultrasound. Great news, my first clinical attempt at baby-making will be Friday! I get to stick myself with the hormone to make me ovulate at 2am on my birthday. <3
As I was driving away from the visit, I got a text message from my sister-in-law (CaveGirl). She and my other sisters-in-law all took me to brunch and shopping. We spent most of the day hanging out, playing with their babies (ranging from six months to 3 years) and me playing dress up. I felt really special.
I went out to a nice celebratory dinner with my hubbs and while he finished up some work at home, I finally got around to making a jewelry holder for all of my earrings.
I also, finally, got around to taking a picture of the yellow tee I made. Please excuse the shower curtain background to my self-portrait...
Now that all the good news is out of the way, I'll fill you in on the bad. My mom was hospitalized a few days ago with a horrible case of pneumonia. She was moved into the ICU really early this morning. She's getting breathing treatments around the clock, is on an IV with three types of antibiotics, and oxygen. As things stand right now, I feel it is probably important that I abandon birthday plans and fly up to see my mom. I'm really concerned about her, and I need her to know I love her and am here for her in any way I can be. I live really far away, so I don't get up to see her as often as I'd like. Flying usually costs a minimum of $450 per person, round trip, and driving costs as much in gas but takes much longer. I suppose the timing for her being ill is good with me being on vacation, so I can actually make it up, but things like this are never timed right in that we'd prefer they never happen to begin with. Keep your fingers crossed she'll come out of this quickly. I need her to be okay.
First I had another follow-up ultrasound. Great news, my first clinical attempt at baby-making will be Friday! I get to stick myself with the hormone to make me ovulate at 2am on my birthday. <3
As I was driving away from the visit, I got a text message from my sister-in-law (CaveGirl). She and my other sisters-in-law all took me to brunch and shopping. We spent most of the day hanging out, playing with their babies (ranging from six months to 3 years) and me playing dress up. I felt really special.
I went out to a nice celebratory dinner with my hubbs and while he finished up some work at home, I finally got around to making a jewelry holder for all of my earrings.
I also, finally, got around to taking a picture of the yellow tee I made. Please excuse the shower curtain background to my self-portrait...
Now that all the good news is out of the way, I'll fill you in on the bad. My mom was hospitalized a few days ago with a horrible case of pneumonia. She was moved into the ICU really early this morning. She's getting breathing treatments around the clock, is on an IV with three types of antibiotics, and oxygen. As things stand right now, I feel it is probably important that I abandon birthday plans and fly up to see my mom. I'm really concerned about her, and I need her to know I love her and am here for her in any way I can be. I live really far away, so I don't get up to see her as often as I'd like. Flying usually costs a minimum of $450 per person, round trip, and driving costs as much in gas but takes much longer. I suppose the timing for her being ill is good with me being on vacation, so I can actually make it up, but things like this are never timed right in that we'd prefer they never happen to begin with. Keep your fingers crossed she'll come out of this quickly. I need her to be okay.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Just another step.
I had a follow-up ultrasound yesterday before work. I know when you are going through fertility treatment, you are supposed to be realistic about the progression of the treatment., but it is harder than you'd think. I'm not the most optimistic of people, but in this situation, I am so hopeful and optimistic, almost just so I can be let down. I was given the rundown. I know "some PCOS patients don't respond well with Clomid, so if one a day doesn't work, we'll switch to two, then try three before moving onto hormone shots." I still got hopeful I'd be that lucky one who had an easier time.
The ultrasound hurt. They always hurt. I know I'll have to get used to them, but they make me nauseous and I just want to roll up into a ball. Hubbs wasn't there for the last two, so I didn't even get a hand to squeeze. I did have some good growth in my uterine lining, and *some* follicle improvement. My right side looked like nothing was going on at all, but my left ovary had four little follicles trying to mature for me. I go in again Monday, for yet another painful ultrasound. If the follicles aren't mature enough or my lining is too thick, I have to be bled out and start again at a stronger dose of Clomid (i.e. I'll try this all again in like 3 weeks...). If the follicles are mature enough and my lining is not too thick, I'll be scheduled to ovulate Thursday (my birthday) or Friday. Obviously we all know which way I lean, and why I'll be just a little extra disappointed when I probably have to start over Monday.
In the meantime, a few great things have happened, or are about to happen.
First off, I've been biking a lot. I biked home from work, nine miles, mostly uphill, then back to work the following afternoon. I plan on biking to work at least once a week for as long as I can. I took a lovely route through Mission Hills and through Presidio Park, and I really enjoyed the time to just relax and think and look at beauty and see some of my goals literally before my eyes.
Second thing, I made a lovely tee, which I wore on one of these bike rides. It is a bright yellow ribbed cotton knit poncho-cut tee. The ribbing is horizontal, and there is a small seam on either side to create some armhole v. waist effect to stabilize the otherwise totally open top. I love it. I plan on making more. I'll post pictures after I wash it (I wore it three days last week, it was that amazing!).
Third thing is I bought some really cute maternity clothes on clearnace. I spent just over $20 for $70 worth of stuff. I got a couple of tank tops for wearing under stuff, a pair of black knit pants with a high tummy panel, and I bought a really pretty blue ruffley top. I got everything big enough that they should fit no problem at least the majority of my eventual pregnancy.
Next thing is my birthday is Thursday. I know I already said this, but I'm just very excited. I am pretty sure it will be fairly uneventful and low-key, unfortunately, because my hubbs has been too busy with work to plan anything for me really, but I will make due. I always go super all out for his, and he never wants me to. This year I explained that 364 days out of the year I like low-key, but on my birthday I want to feel like a princess. I want to be waited on hand-and-foot, and I want friends and family to suddenly appear, and want to hang out, and treat me to a great, eventful, celebratory day. I think this has only happen twice or three times in my life. Oh well. One can wish. I bought a cute birthday dress, either way.
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, I am on VACATION starting Monday. No responsibilities except those I impose on myself. Sleep. Beach. Gym. Sewing. Sewing. More sewing. Hiking. More Sewing. Movies. Acai Sorbet and smoothies. Vacation.
I still have a couple of work days left, chock-full of responsibility, but I had a pretty good week, so I think I'll get through the weekend successfully! Hopefully Monday goes well.
The ultrasound hurt. They always hurt. I know I'll have to get used to them, but they make me nauseous and I just want to roll up into a ball. Hubbs wasn't there for the last two, so I didn't even get a hand to squeeze. I did have some good growth in my uterine lining, and *some* follicle improvement. My right side looked like nothing was going on at all, but my left ovary had four little follicles trying to mature for me. I go in again Monday, for yet another painful ultrasound. If the follicles aren't mature enough or my lining is too thick, I have to be bled out and start again at a stronger dose of Clomid (i.e. I'll try this all again in like 3 weeks...). If the follicles are mature enough and my lining is not too thick, I'll be scheduled to ovulate Thursday (my birthday) or Friday. Obviously we all know which way I lean, and why I'll be just a little extra disappointed when I probably have to start over Monday.
In the meantime, a few great things have happened, or are about to happen.
First off, I've been biking a lot. I biked home from work, nine miles, mostly uphill, then back to work the following afternoon. I plan on biking to work at least once a week for as long as I can. I took a lovely route through Mission Hills and through Presidio Park, and I really enjoyed the time to just relax and think and look at beauty and see some of my goals literally before my eyes.
Second thing, I made a lovely tee, which I wore on one of these bike rides. It is a bright yellow ribbed cotton knit poncho-cut tee. The ribbing is horizontal, and there is a small seam on either side to create some armhole v. waist effect to stabilize the otherwise totally open top. I love it. I plan on making more. I'll post pictures after I wash it (I wore it three days last week, it was that amazing!).
Third thing is I bought some really cute maternity clothes on clearnace. I spent just over $20 for $70 worth of stuff. I got a couple of tank tops for wearing under stuff, a pair of black knit pants with a high tummy panel, and I bought a really pretty blue ruffley top. I got everything big enough that they should fit no problem at least the majority of my eventual pregnancy.
Next thing is my birthday is Thursday. I know I already said this, but I'm just very excited. I am pretty sure it will be fairly uneventful and low-key, unfortunately, because my hubbs has been too busy with work to plan anything for me really, but I will make due. I always go super all out for his, and he never wants me to. This year I explained that 364 days out of the year I like low-key, but on my birthday I want to feel like a princess. I want to be waited on hand-and-foot, and I want friends and family to suddenly appear, and want to hang out, and treat me to a great, eventful, celebratory day. I think this has only happen twice or three times in my life. Oh well. One can wish. I bought a cute birthday dress, either way.
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, I am on VACATION starting Monday. No responsibilities except those I impose on myself. Sleep. Beach. Gym. Sewing. Sewing. More sewing. Hiking. More Sewing. Movies. Acai Sorbet and smoothies. Vacation.
I still have a couple of work days left, chock-full of responsibility, but I had a pretty good week, so I think I'll get through the weekend successfully! Hopefully Monday goes well.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
A (Fairly) Wonderful Wednesday.
Wednesdays are funny days for me. I don't work until late, so I have the whole morning free to do whatever I like. I usually have plans for something really healthy and wonderful and productive, like going hiking or working out at the gym for a couple of hours or fully catching up on laundry or taking my dogs out for a long walk... Wednesdays never end up that way, though. There's a little dread because I close then open on Thursday leaving me little time to sleep (usually only about 4 or 5 hours by the time I wind down), and there's a little restlessness from having a fully empty house from everyone else being at work or school or off in their own little worlds. For some reason, these things combined turn into my one and only sit-on-the-couch-and-watch-terrible-movies day. I went so far as to pull the laundry basket into the living room so I could fold my very wrinkled clothes. That didn't happen. What did happen, however, is I pulled out my sewing machine and did some cooking! I certainly didn't perform any real meaningful tasks, but I was way more productive than my usual Wednesdays, so I'm proud of myself all the same. And of course, I got to cross a couple more items off my to-do list!
I woke up at 9. That's really early on a day off. I have trouble falling asleep until pretty late, so I usually make up for it in the morning. Today, though, I set an alarm and actually got up when it went off. Yea! Esther and I made three cheese and pea stuffed raviolis from scratch, baked pesto chicken and a berry custard pie last night, but the pie needed hours to cool and we didn't get to taste it until this morning, so we pulled out forks and dug in today instead. Luckily for my Biggest Loser team at work (we're having a weight loss competition) as well as my waistline, I overcooked my custard pie, so it was a bit grainy. I took a few bites and just couldn't stomach it anymore. Next time, I won't show such willpower because next time its going to be smooth!
Today's triumphs:
- I watched two movies.
- I finally got around to sewing my dogs a dog bed.
- I sewed my dogs a chew toy.
- I baked two whole trout for dinner.
- I SCHEDULED MY BASE ULTRASOUND!!!!!
The movies were a mixed bag. One was awful. The other was mediocre but made me want to buy the book really badly. The dog bed was using some striped clearance outdoor fabric I got last summer for $2 a yard and the stuffing from three pillows we replaced recently. The dog chew was a crude denim "bone" using scraps from jeans I turned into crops. The fish were delicious.
And the ultrasound. It is to view my ovaries before I start taking Clomid so they have something to compare against after I start treatment. I go in at 7 am tomorrow. I had to switch shifts with someone at work so I could go, but I'm really excited its coming together. I'm a little frustrated that my period took so long to start after being on the pill because it throws timing off a bit, but we'll manage. With my husband's new position, he'll be driving around for training for the next two weeks, so it will be a little tricky trying to get him to the office when I go in next, but he promises that he'll be there and everything will be smooth when the time comes. I'm not 100% sure, but I think I start taking the Clomid tomorrow, too. Yea!
One last thing of note: I found the most amazingly perfect bib at work today. I bought it and put it away in my sock drawer, but not before taking a photo of it. Between the color scheme, the words and the theme, I really doubt there is a more appropriate bib out there for little Dylan!
Only a day-and-a-half until my Bubbs is home!
I woke up at 9. That's really early on a day off. I have trouble falling asleep until pretty late, so I usually make up for it in the morning. Today, though, I set an alarm and actually got up when it went off. Yea! Esther and I made three cheese and pea stuffed raviolis from scratch, baked pesto chicken and a berry custard pie last night, but the pie needed hours to cool and we didn't get to taste it until this morning, so we pulled out forks and dug in today instead. Luckily for my Biggest Loser team at work (we're having a weight loss competition) as well as my waistline, I overcooked my custard pie, so it was a bit grainy. I took a few bites and just couldn't stomach it anymore. Next time, I won't show such willpower because next time its going to be smooth!
Today's triumphs:
- I watched two movies.
- I finally got around to sewing my dogs a dog bed.
- I sewed my dogs a chew toy.
- I baked two whole trout for dinner.
- I SCHEDULED MY BASE ULTRASOUND!!!!!
The movies were a mixed bag. One was awful. The other was mediocre but made me want to buy the book really badly. The dog bed was using some striped clearance outdoor fabric I got last summer for $2 a yard and the stuffing from three pillows we replaced recently. The dog chew was a crude denim "bone" using scraps from jeans I turned into crops. The fish were delicious.
 |
| It doesn't look that great but the chicken was juicy and the raviolis were amazing! |
 |
| It was about four hours of work and a huge mess to clean up (as you can see)! |
 |
| Today's fish. Mmmmmmmmmmm! |
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| Totally wonky, and not at all precise, |
 |
| but Killian didn't seem to mind one bit! (Can I add, I love this photo!?!) |
 |
| He and Maggie liked the bed, too. The fabric is a little clashy with everything else, but if its near my yellow and green kitchen its fine. |
And the ultrasound. It is to view my ovaries before I start taking Clomid so they have something to compare against after I start treatment. I go in at 7 am tomorrow. I had to switch shifts with someone at work so I could go, but I'm really excited its coming together. I'm a little frustrated that my period took so long to start after being on the pill because it throws timing off a bit, but we'll manage. With my husband's new position, he'll be driving around for training for the next two weeks, so it will be a little tricky trying to get him to the office when I go in next, but he promises that he'll be there and everything will be smooth when the time comes. I'm not 100% sure, but I think I start taking the Clomid tomorrow, too. Yea!
One last thing of note: I found the most amazingly perfect bib at work today. I bought it and put it away in my sock drawer, but not before taking a photo of it. Between the color scheme, the words and the theme, I really doubt there is a more appropriate bib out there for little Dylan!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sweet Rewards for Good Behavior.
I had a moderately productive week at work, but everything is a little off from center. First, I worked overnight last Monday, which took a little time to recuperate from. Second, we anticipated a fairly important visit at work Thursday, so I didn't get to several of my work projects. Thirdly, Friday I went in early to try to tackle some of my (now late, mind you) workload, when some other mild catastrophe kept me busy for the first five hours of my shift. When the weekend arrived, so did my sweet husband, fresh back form his first week away training. I worked all weekend, so I pretty much only saw him for a few hours in the evening, while we simultaneously did his laundry and repacked his bags so he could fly out again this morning. Lastly, this whole daylight savings thing is a nightmare for people like me who actually enjoy sleeping. These things combined could easily throw a trapeze artist off balance. Add to that natural disasters and panic about tsunamis hitting the west coast, and I can certainly say I entered this evening with the feeling I deserve a reward for not being too much of a grump, and I also need a nice sweet start to the upcoming week. PIE!
Anyone who really knows me knows I love pie. I love eating it, and I really love baking it. For Christmas I had only a few things on my wishlist: pie pans, a rolling pin, crafty books, and fabric. I made eight pies the night before Thanksgiving, between bringing some to share at work and making some for dinner, and for a few months, I averaged six pies baked a week. In an effort to eat less processed, healthier of foods, I found that by baking my own pies, I could regulate what they were made of. I learned how to flavor crusts so I could get away with a little less butter, or using unbleached whole wheat flour without things getting too dense. I learned that fruit a little overly ripe is much sweeter than crisply fresh fruit, and therefore needs no sugar really. Using fruit that is low in glycemic load or high in antioxidants is an added perk. When you make your own pie, it can be an incredibly healthy, and also incredibly delicious way to get some of those servings of fruit (and veggies for that matter) doctors always seem to nag us about. Tonight I made a blueberry, peach, nectarine and apple pie, but I will confess that I did not make the crust. In any case, it was tasty.
I didn't have a lot of time for crafting, but I will say that I have an upcoming tutorial for crocheted washcloths that use a modification of a basic granny square to create a little star in the center of the cloths. I'm finishing working the kinks out of the pattern and should be able to post it really soon.
I just have to add one last little bit of info, before I collapse into my again-empty bed. I want to move back up north to Oregon or Washington, where it is green and humid and chilly and clean and oh-so-lovely. Hubbs did his training in a tiny town about 45 minutes outside of Portland, so of course, he had to bring back a few little souvenirs to cheer me up for not getting to tag along. Best of the little souvenirs:
And, with a new camera come more pictures. My current little ones, for better or worse:
I didn't have a lot of time for crafting, but I will say that I have an upcoming tutorial for crocheted washcloths that use a modification of a basic granny square to create a little star in the center of the cloths. I'm finishing working the kinks out of the pattern and should be able to post it really soon.
I just have to add one last little bit of info, before I collapse into my again-empty bed. I want to move back up north to Oregon or Washington, where it is green and humid and chilly and clean and oh-so-lovely. Hubbs did his training in a tiny town about 45 minutes outside of Portland, so of course, he had to bring back a few little souvenirs to cheer me up for not getting to tag along. Best of the little souvenirs:
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| Its a 2T! I guess we both think ahead. :) |
And, with a new camera come more pictures. My current little ones, for better or worse:
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| Maggie, whose name is tattooed on my ankle, 3 1/2 years old. |
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| Killian, 8 months this week. |
That's all for tonight. Sleep well world. Here's to starting the week off right!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Triumphs and Creative Surges
Well, after quite a long hiatus, I have a lot to share.
First, rain or no rain, we went to Disneyland afterall! It was wonderful and fun and memorable, even without photos. :)
Next, my amazing husband got a promotion. The news was anticipated, but the timing wasn't. He received the official offer and training schedule only a week before having to leave the state for training. Under usual circumstances, that would be no big thing, but right after your wife has started her synthetic hormone-induced period, and just days before the first stage of her ovulation induction, that's a pretty big thing. When we started this treatment, we were given a strict three cycle time limit, so the whole process is a pretty big deal, actually, and that means that unless I wanted to go through this alone, with frozen sperm, and the knowledge that if I got pregnant I'd know, beyond certainty, that it was my doctor that got me pregnant, not my husband (technically speaking, not biologically of course), I would feel really selfish. A pregnancy between two adults who choose eachother and this route are partners, and I wouldn't want to do any of this without my husband by my side. Hey, I've waited two years, what's a few weeks longer?
So...I'm on birth control again. I'm supposed to stop taking it the weekend before my husband gets back into town so that my period can start again, and the whole process can start again, with my first check in to see how I respond to Clomid the same week he gets home. In the meantime, I've been an emotional rollercoaster. I do horribly on synthetic hormones, and always have, but I'm also a mess because of job stress (I myself am about to interview for a potential promotion, and have also lost half my current team to better jobs this week, so I get to look forward to training a whole new group of people that probably won't stick around...), family stress (I live with my sister and my husband's sister. One is easier to get along with than the other, although its not who'd you'd immediately guess), and an empty bed. He left this afternoon, and he'll be gone for the next two weeks pretty much.
One of the many things I inherited from my mother is an inherent guilt and the tendency to worry excessively. In the past weeks my normal guilt has only been augmented by the hormones. Am I being selfish? Is the act of trying to conceive with the assistance of a physician a selfish act? Am I being selfish by choosing this route instead of applying myself full force to work and going back to school? Is my desire to parent a child going to cause my husband to take work opportunities he doesn't want and pass up the life he does want so that he is able to better fulfill my desires? Is it selfish that I still hate living here, and can't wait for the day I get the chance to uproot my husband and drag him to a place he may hate and feel disconnected from as much as I feel in this city? And the decisions we've made for our future child regarding health, schooling, and whether or not to have a son circumsized--are these selfish? The answer is yes to most of these things. Of course, most decisions made in the course of our lives are from selfish reasons. I like to pretend I'm an environmentalist, and I feel guilty about my share of destruction of this planet. I watch documentaries and read books on simpler living, and take steps to leave less of an impact on the world while I sit on my synthetically made computer chair and type on my energy consuming computer while wearing clothing imported from third world countries and will tomorrow get into my car and drive someplace that I am more than capable of biking to for no other reason than laziness. So, as you can see, its all relative, and I've had an intense few weeks.
I will say that, guilt for my emotions aside, it is really hard having to wait those extra days. It is tortuous. My boss was at the delivery of her niece a few days ago and sent me a picture of the little one, hours after birth. As much as it fills me up with joy seeing a healthy new life brought into the world and surrounded with love, it also tears me apart with longing and hollowness. I've had my share of "But she's already had a baby! Why does she get another before I get my first one?" and "That woman doesn't even look like she cares about her baby! Of course the bad mother's keep getting pregnant!" thoughts over the past two years. When an extended family member announced his wife's third pregnancy during Thanksgiving dinner, it took everything inside of me to not look as devastated and jealous as I felt, and I remember the amount of pride my husband had for me, and I had for myself, at being strong enough to not cry until we were home hours later.
I reconnected recently with a friend that's grown away from me over the past few years. She was totally supportive, but also concerned that nesting and creating things for my future child may be unhealthy for me when I've gone through so much without any success. I think a lot of people have that reaction. Maybe they are right, but I don't think so. The way I see it, I am channeling my emotions into a positive end for the first time in years. I am filled with hope, and excitement, and love, instead of anger and resentment and jealousy, at least the majority of the time. I think that's all I can really hope for. So, yes, I may be a little selfish, and yes, I may fixate on things that may not happen, but at least I know its in the healthiest way its been since the first time my husband and I decided to "take a chance" more than two years ago.
On that note, I have a few other exciting and noteworthy things to mention. I bought a camera tonight. I forgot to buy a memory card, however, so I have no photos to show for the purchase, YET! Also, I have a lovely tutorial to share of my adventures with creating crib bedding and carseat covers. Until then, I'll share my latest success:
I promise it isn't as cockeyed as it looks in this photo. This is my Little Star quilt for Dylan. <&hearts>
The yellow fabrics will be patched together to create the outside of our crib bumper as well, and the teal binding is also being used for the bumper ties. The aqua around each star is our crib sheets, and the striped fabric between each square is a flannel making up the inner part of the bumper. I'm really proud of this. It was my first quilt and it was made with a lot of love. The most special part is the back, though. Wanna see?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Let's [start] this!
I can't seem to get that cheesy 90s Italian-American voice outta mt head. Of course the title needed some modification. We're not doing yet, so much as we're starting...and I for one, am excited!
Saw our amazing specialist today and step one has begun. I am yet again beginning proverra to start my cycle. If everything goes well, I'll start Clomid in about two weeks. Even if the first dose isn't enough, I should ovulate by my birthday (mark your calendars, it's March 31).
We were planning on going to Disneyland this weekend but it'll be raining and we're just getting over a nasty bug so that's out, but I can't be sad about that right now. I'm too excited. Today was a great day and now my vacation from work has begun, too. Goodnight world. I'm gonna go dream about babies.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Epic Fail.
First of all, my camera is all the way broken now. That really bums me out.
Second, I spent all last night frogging my red sweater vest. Whoopsies. I made it about six onches too short and eight inches too wide. I don't know where i went wrong. I'm too sad to try again ao now I have to figure out something else to do with ref acrylic yarn...
Monday, January 17, 2011
Photos!!!!!!!
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