Happy Birthday to ME!!!

I am a little sleepy, but I'll go back to bed soon. I'm just so excited about some things that I decided it might help me sleep better if I shared. Let me just say that vacation is a great time to be productive.

I finally got the quilt binding on, except I ran out with one foot needed to finish it, so I think I just might need to take a birthday trip to Joann's. I also finished the outside of the crib bumper. It just needs the padding and the ties to be sewn on!! The ties are bias tape that matches the quilt binding, just sewn together to make a cord, pretty much. Here's a little picture of what's done of the set so far:

I also, finally, finished the carseat! Well, I didn't make the canopy yet, but that is mainly because I'm not decided on which fabric to use for it...
Anyway, I'll post a simple photo tutorial of the process soon, but for now photos of the finished product will have to suffice.

I readjusted the straps, so I shouldn't need too much effort to get it ready to go when I eventually need it. It didn't turn out perfect, but I had a lot of fun in the process of making it, and am happy with how it turned out.

As for the rest of my day yesterday, I spilled coffee on the other new tee I made Tuesday, so I couldn't take pictures of it. I also think I've established a little bit of a birthday tradition for myself. Last year, two days before my birthday my husband told me he was buying me a tattoo for my birthday. The day before my birthday I rode my bike to my favorite local shop (Avalon 2) and Mike signed me into his date book for the early afternoon of my birthday. This year, pretty much the same thing happened, except my sister tagged along. Today I'm getting the last tattoo I'll ever have as a non-mom, hopefully. It is also the beginning of a family tattoo--two elephants facing each other with their trunks interlocked to create a heart. On each of their sides is a panel with flowers. One elephant represents my husband and the other represents me. They are going on my hip with enough space to add baby elephants clinging to the mama and daddy elephants' tails. That happens at noon today!!



Also yesterday, I convinced my sister to buy me a pair of earrings I've wanted to a while but felt too guilty buying for myself. Since they were almost $80, they count as my late Christmas gift, too. I have stretched ears, but I like big, girlie earrings, so when I saw these, I knew they eventually needed to be mine. I'm searching now for a pair of yellow pyrex glass stars along the same lines. If anyone sees any out there, LET ME KNOW! (Please.)



I made lasagna and forgot it out on top of the stove. I also made chicken soup for my poor sick husband.

And...I gave myself my first shot: Ovidrel! That means I'm ovulating!!! I really don't like shots. Tattoos and piercings are totally fine for me, but injecting yourself with anything from a syringe grosses me out and makes me feel super uncomfortable. It was worth the squeemishness, though, to know that little Dylan may come from all this.

I'm going back to bed for a little nap, then its off to my tattoo, to lunch with my sister, and then to dinner with my husband. Then tomorrow is the big day. I'm excited about it. This birthday, I've got a lot to be happy about!

Birthday surprises, good and bad.

I had an amazing day yesterday.

First I had another follow-up ultrasound. Great news, my first clinical attempt at baby-making will be Friday! I get to stick myself with the hormone to make me ovulate at 2am on my birthday. <3

As I was driving away from the visit, I got a text message from my sister-in-law (CaveGirl). She and my other  sisters-in-law all took me to brunch and shopping. We spent most of the day hanging out, playing with their babies (ranging from six months to 3 years) and me playing dress up. I felt really special.

I went out to a nice celebratory dinner with my hubbs and while he finished up some work at home, I finally got around to making a jewelry holder for all of my earrings.


I also, finally, got around to taking a picture of the yellow tee I made. Please excuse the shower curtain background to my self-portrait...

























Now that all the good news is out of the way, I'll fill you in on the bad. My mom was hospitalized a few days ago with a horrible case of pneumonia. She was moved into the ICU really early this morning. She's getting breathing treatments around the clock, is on an IV with three types of antibiotics, and oxygen. As things stand right now, I feel it is probably important that I abandon birthday plans and fly up to see my mom. I'm really concerned about her, and I need her to know I love her and am here for her in any way I can be. I live really far away, so I don't get up to see her as often as I'd like. Flying usually costs a minimum of $450 per person, round trip, and driving costs as much in gas but takes much longer. I suppose the timing for her being ill is good with me being on vacation, so I can actually make it up, but things like this are never timed right in that we'd prefer they never happen to begin with. Keep your fingers crossed she'll come out of this quickly. I need her to be okay.

Just another step.

I had a follow-up ultrasound yesterday before work. I know when you are going through fertility treatment, you are supposed to be realistic about the progression of the treatment., but it is harder than you'd think. I'm not the most optimistic of people, but in this situation, I am so hopeful and optimistic, almost just so I can be let down. I was given the rundown. I know "some PCOS patients don't respond well with Clomid, so if one a day doesn't work, we'll switch to two, then try three before moving onto hormone shots." I still got hopeful I'd be that lucky one who had an easier time.

The ultrasound hurt. They always hurt. I know I'll have to get used to them, but they make me nauseous and I just want to roll up into a ball. Hubbs wasn't there for the last two, so I didn't even get a hand to squeeze. I did have some good growth in my uterine lining, and *some* follicle improvement. My right side looked like nothing was going on at all, but my left ovary had four little follicles trying to mature for me. I go in again Monday, for yet another painful ultrasound. If the follicles aren't mature enough or my lining is too thick, I have to be bled out and start again at a stronger dose of Clomid (i.e. I'll try this all again in like 3 weeks...). If the follicles are mature enough and my lining is not too thick, I'll be scheduled to ovulate Thursday (my birthday) or Friday. Obviously we all know which way I lean, and why I'll be just a little extra disappointed when I probably have to start over Monday.

In the meantime, a few great things have happened, or are about to happen.
First off, I've been biking a lot. I biked home from work, nine miles, mostly uphill, then back to work the following afternoon. I plan on biking to work at least once a week for as long as I can. I took a lovely route through Mission Hills and through Presidio Park, and I really enjoyed the time to just relax and think and look at beauty and see some of my goals literally before my eyes.

Second thing, I made a lovely tee, which I wore on one of these bike rides. It is a bright yellow ribbed cotton knit poncho-cut tee. The ribbing is horizontal, and there is a small seam on either side to create some armhole v. waist effect to stabilize the otherwise totally open top. I love it. I plan on making more. I'll post pictures after I wash it (I wore it three days last week, it was that amazing!).

Third thing is I bought some really cute maternity clothes on clearnace. I spent just over $20 for $70 worth of stuff. I got a couple of tank tops for wearing under stuff, a pair of black knit pants with a high tummy panel, and I bought a really pretty blue ruffley top. I got everything big enough that they should fit no problem at least the majority of my eventual pregnancy.

Next thing is my birthday is Thursday. I know I already said this, but I'm just very excited. I am pretty sure it will be fairly uneventful and low-key, unfortunately, because my hubbs has been too busy with work to plan anything for me really, but I will make due. I always go super all out for his, and he never wants me to. This year I explained that 364 days out of the year I like low-key, but on my birthday I want to feel like a princess. I want to be waited on hand-and-foot, and I want friends and family to suddenly appear, and want to hang out, and treat me to a great, eventful, celebratory day. I think this has only happen twice or three times in my life. Oh well. One can wish. I bought a cute birthday dress, either way.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly, I am on VACATION starting Monday. No responsibilities except those I impose on myself. Sleep. Beach. Gym. Sewing. Sewing. More sewing. Hiking. More Sewing. Movies. Acai Sorbet and smoothies. Vacation.

I still have a couple of work days left, chock-full of responsibility, but I had a pretty good week, so I think I'll get through the weekend successfully! Hopefully Monday goes well.

A (Fairly) Wonderful Wednesday.

Wednesdays are funny days for me. I don't work until late, so I have the whole morning free to do whatever I like. I usually have plans for something really healthy and wonderful and productive, like going hiking or working out at the gym for a couple of hours or fully catching up on laundry or taking my dogs out for a long walk... Wednesdays never end up that way, though. There's a little dread because I close then open on Thursday leaving me little time to sleep (usually only about 4 or 5 hours by the time I wind down), and there's a little restlessness from having a fully empty house from everyone else being at work or school or off in their own little worlds. For some reason, these things combined turn into my one and only sit-on-the-couch-and-watch-terrible-movies day. I went so far as to pull the laundry basket into the living room so I could fold my very wrinkled clothes. That didn't happen. What did happen, however, is I pulled out my sewing machine and did some cooking! I certainly didn't perform any real meaningful tasks, but I was way more productive than my usual Wednesdays, so I'm proud of myself all the same. And of course, I got to cross a couple more items off my to-do list!

I woke up at 9. That's really early on a day off. I have trouble falling asleep until pretty late, so I usually make up for it in the morning. Today, though, I set an alarm and actually got up when it went off. Yea! Esther and I made three cheese and pea stuffed raviolis from scratch, baked pesto chicken and a berry custard pie last night, but the pie needed hours to cool and we didn't get to taste it until this morning, so we pulled out forks and dug in today instead. Luckily for my Biggest Loser team at work (we're having a weight loss competition) as well as my waistline, I overcooked my custard pie, so it was a bit grainy. I took a few bites and just couldn't stomach it anymore. Next time, I won't show such willpower because next time its going to be smooth!

Today's triumphs:
   - I watched two movies.
   - I finally got around to sewing my dogs a dog bed.
   - I sewed my dogs a chew toy.
   - I baked two whole trout for dinner.
   - I SCHEDULED MY BASE ULTRASOUND!!!!!

The movies were a mixed bag. One was awful. The other was mediocre but made me want to buy the book really badly. The dog bed was using some striped clearance outdoor fabric I got last summer for $2 a yard and the stuffing from three pillows we replaced recently. The dog chew was a crude denim "bone" using scraps from jeans I turned into crops. The fish were delicious.

It doesn't look that great but the chicken was juicy and the raviolis were amazing!

It was about four hours of work and a huge mess to clean up (as you can see)!

Today's fish. Mmmmmmmmmmm!

Totally wonky, and not at all precise,

but Killian didn't seem to mind one bit! (Can I add, I love this photo!?!)

He and Maggie liked the bed, too. The fabric is a little clashy with everything else, but if its near my yellow and green kitchen its fine.

And the ultrasound. It is to view my ovaries before I start taking Clomid so they have something to compare against after I start treatment. I go in at 7 am tomorrow. I had to switch shifts with someone at work so I could go, but I'm really excited its coming together. I'm a little frustrated that my period took so long to start after being on the pill because it throws timing off a bit, but we'll manage. With my husband's new position, he'll be driving around for training for the next two weeks, so it will be a little tricky trying to get him to the office when I go in next, but he promises that he'll be there and everything will be smooth when the time comes. I'm not 100% sure, but I think I start taking the Clomid tomorrow, too. Yea!

One last thing of note: I found the most amazingly perfect bib at work today. I bought it and put it away in my sock drawer, but not before taking a photo of it. Between the color scheme, the words and the theme, I really doubt there is a more appropriate bib out there for little Dylan!

Only a day-and-a-half until my Bubbs is home!

Sweet Rewards for Good Behavior.

I had a moderately productive week at work, but everything is a little off from center. First, I worked overnight last Monday, which took a little time to recuperate from. Second, we anticipated a fairly important visit at work Thursday, so I didn't get to several of my work projects. Thirdly, Friday I went in early to try to tackle some of my (now late, mind you) workload, when some other mild catastrophe kept me busy for the first five hours of my shift. When the weekend arrived, so did my sweet husband, fresh back form his first week away training. I worked all weekend, so I pretty much only saw him for a few hours in the evening, while we simultaneously did his laundry and repacked his bags so he could fly out again this morning. Lastly, this whole daylight savings thing is a nightmare for people like me who actually enjoy sleeping. These things combined could easily throw a trapeze artist off balance. Add to that natural disasters and panic about tsunamis hitting the west coast, and I can certainly say I entered this evening with the feeling I deserve a reward for not being too much of a grump, and I also need a nice sweet start to the upcoming week. PIE!

Anyone who really knows me knows I love pie. I love eating it, and I really love baking it. For Christmas I had only a few things on my wishlist: pie pans, a rolling pin, crafty books, and fabric. I made eight pies the night before Thanksgiving, between bringing some to share at work and making some for dinner, and for a few months, I averaged six pies baked a week. In an effort to eat less processed, healthier of foods, I found that by baking my own pies, I could regulate what they were made of. I learned how to flavor crusts so I could get away with a little less butter, or using unbleached whole wheat flour without things getting too dense. I learned that fruit a little overly ripe is much sweeter than crisply fresh fruit, and therefore needs no sugar really. Using fruit that is low in glycemic load or high in antioxidants is an added perk. When you make your own pie, it can be an incredibly healthy, and also incredibly delicious way to get some of those servings of fruit (and veggies for that matter) doctors always seem to nag us about. Tonight I made a blueberry, peach, nectarine and apple pie, but I will confess that I did not make the crust. In any case, it was tasty.

I didn't have a lot of time for crafting, but I will say that I have an upcoming tutorial for crocheted washcloths that use a modification of a basic granny square to create a little star in the center of the cloths. I'm finishing working the kinks out of the pattern and should be able to post it really soon.

I just have to add one last little bit of info, before I collapse into my again-empty bed. I want to move back up north to Oregon or Washington, where it is green and humid and chilly and clean and oh-so-lovely. Hubbs did his training in a tiny town about 45 minutes outside of Portland, so of course, he had to bring back a few little souvenirs to cheer me up for not getting to tag along. Best of the little souvenirs:

Its a 2T! I guess we both think ahead. :)

And, with a new camera come more pictures. My current little ones, for better or worse:

Maggie, whose name is tattooed on my ankle, 3 1/2 years old.

Killian, 8 months this week.

That's all for tonight. Sleep well world. Here's to starting the week off right!

Triumphs and Creative Surges

Well, after quite a long hiatus, I have a lot to share.

First, rain or no rain, we went to Disneyland afterall! It was wonderful and fun and memorable, even without photos. :)

Next, my amazing husband got a promotion. The news was anticipated, but the timing wasn't. He received the official offer and training schedule only a week before having to leave the state for training. Under usual circumstances, that would be no big thing, but right after your wife has started her synthetic hormone-induced period, and just days before the first stage of her ovulation induction, that's a pretty big thing. When we started this treatment, we were given a strict three cycle time limit, so the whole process is a pretty big deal, actually, and that means that unless I wanted to go through this alone, with frozen sperm, and the knowledge that if I got pregnant I'd know, beyond certainty, that it was my doctor that got me pregnant, not my husband (technically speaking, not biologically of course), I would feel really selfish. A pregnancy between two adults who choose eachother and this route are partners, and I wouldn't want to do any of this without my husband by my side. Hey, I've waited two years, what's a few weeks longer?

So...I'm on birth control again. I'm supposed to stop taking it the weekend before my husband gets back into town so that my period can start again, and the whole process can start again, with my first check in to see how I respond to Clomid the same week he gets home. In the meantime, I've been an emotional rollercoaster. I do horribly on synthetic hormones, and always have, but I'm also a mess because of job stress (I myself am about to interview for a potential promotion, and have also lost half my current team to better jobs this week, so I get to look forward to training a whole new group of people that probably won't stick around...), family stress (I live with my sister and my husband's sister. One is easier to get along with than the other, although its not who'd you'd immediately guess), and an empty bed. He left this afternoon, and he'll be gone for the next two weeks pretty much.

One of the many things I inherited from my mother is an inherent guilt and the tendency to worry excessively. In the past weeks my normal guilt has only been augmented by the hormones. Am I being selfish? Is the act of trying to conceive with the assistance of a physician a selfish act? Am I being selfish by choosing this route instead of applying myself full force to work and going back to school? Is my desire to parent a child going to cause my husband to take work opportunities he doesn't want and pass up the life he does want so that he is able to better fulfill my desires? Is it selfish that I still hate living here, and can't wait for the day I get the chance to uproot my husband and drag him to a place he may hate and feel disconnected from as much as I feel in this city? And the decisions we've made for our future child regarding health, schooling, and whether or not to have a son circumsized--are these selfish? The answer is yes to most of these things. Of course, most decisions made in the course of our lives are from selfish reasons. I like to pretend I'm an environmentalist, and I feel guilty about my share of destruction of this planet. I watch documentaries and read books on simpler living, and take steps to leave less of an impact on the world while I sit on my synthetically made computer chair and type on my energy consuming computer while wearing clothing imported from third world countries and will tomorrow get into my car and drive someplace that I am more than capable of biking to for no other reason than laziness. So, as you can see, its all relative, and I've had an intense few weeks.

I will say that, guilt for my emotions aside, it is really hard having to wait those extra days. It is tortuous. My boss was at the delivery of her niece a few days ago and sent me a picture of the little one, hours after birth. As much as it fills me up with joy seeing a healthy new life brought into the world and surrounded with love, it also tears me apart with longing and hollowness. I've had my share of "But she's already had a baby! Why does she get another before I get my first one?" and "That woman doesn't even look like she cares about her baby! Of course the bad mother's keep getting pregnant!" thoughts over the past two years. When an extended family member announced his wife's third pregnancy during Thanksgiving dinner, it took everything inside of me to not look as devastated and jealous as I felt, and I remember the amount of pride my husband had for me, and I had for myself, at being strong enough to not cry until we were home hours later.

I reconnected recently with a friend that's grown away from me over the past few years. She was totally supportive, but also concerned that nesting and creating things for my future child may be unhealthy for me when I've gone through so much without any success. I think a lot of people have that reaction. Maybe they are right, but I don't think so. The way I see it, I am channeling my emotions into a positive end for the first time in years. I am filled with hope, and excitement, and love, instead of anger and resentment and jealousy, at least the majority of the time. I think that's all I can really hope for. So, yes, I may be a little selfish, and yes, I may fixate on things that may not happen, but at least I know its in the healthiest way its been since the first time my husband and I decided to "take a chance" more than two years ago.

On that note, I have a few other exciting and noteworthy things to mention. I bought a camera tonight. I forgot to buy a memory card, however, so I have no photos to show for the purchase, YET! Also, I have a lovely tutorial to share of my adventures with creating crib bedding and carseat covers. Until then, I'll share my latest success:

I promise it isn't as cockeyed as it looks in this photo. This is my Little Star quilt for Dylan. <&hearts>

The yellow fabrics will be patched together to create the outside of our crib bumper as well, and the teal binding is also being used for the bumper ties. The aqua around each star is our crib sheets, and the striped fabric between each square is a flannel making up the inner part of the bumper. I'm really proud of this. It was my first quilt and it was made with a lot of love. The most special part is the back, though. Wanna see?