Well, after quite a long hiatus, I have a lot to share.
First, rain or no rain, we went to Disneyland afterall! It was wonderful and fun and memorable, even without photos. :)
Next, my amazing husband got a promotion. The news was anticipated, but the timing wasn't. He received the official offer and training schedule only a week before having to leave the state for training. Under usual circumstances, that would be no big thing, but right after your wife has started her synthetic hormone-induced period, and just days before the first stage of her ovulation induction, that's a pretty big thing. When we started this treatment, we were given a strict three cycle time limit, so the whole process is a pretty big deal, actually, and that means that unless I wanted to go through this alone, with frozen sperm, and the knowledge that if I got pregnant I'd know, beyond certainty, that it was my doctor that got me pregnant, not my husband (technically speaking, not biologically of course), I would feel really selfish. A pregnancy between two adults who choose eachother and this route are partners, and I wouldn't want to do any of this without my husband by my side. Hey, I've waited two years, what's a few weeks longer?
So...I'm on birth control again. I'm supposed to stop taking it the weekend before my husband gets back into town so that my period can start again, and the whole process can start again, with my first check in to see how I respond to Clomid the same week he gets home. In the meantime, I've been an emotional rollercoaster. I do horribly on synthetic hormones, and always have, but I'm also a mess because of job stress (I myself am about to interview for a potential promotion, and have also lost half my current team to better jobs this week, so I get to look forward to training a whole new group of people that probably won't stick around...), family stress (I live with my sister and my husband's sister. One is easier to get along with than the other, although its not who'd you'd immediately guess), and an empty bed. He left this afternoon, and he'll be gone for the next two weeks pretty much.
One of the many things I inherited from my mother is an inherent guilt and the tendency to worry excessively. In the past weeks my normal guilt has only been augmented by the hormones. Am I being selfish? Is the act of trying to conceive with the assistance of a physician a selfish act? Am I being selfish by choosing this route instead of applying myself full force to work and going back to school? Is my desire to parent a child going to cause my husband to take work opportunities he doesn't want and pass up the life he does want so that he is able to better fulfill my desires? Is it selfish that I still hate living here, and can't wait for the day I get the chance to uproot my husband and drag him to a place he may hate and feel disconnected from as much as I feel in this city? And the decisions we've made for our future child regarding health, schooling, and whether or not to have a son circumsized--are these selfish? The answer is yes to most of these things. Of course, most decisions made in the course of our lives are from selfish reasons. I like to pretend I'm an environmentalist, and I feel guilty about my share of destruction of this planet. I watch documentaries and read books on simpler living, and take steps to leave less of an impact on the world while I sit on my synthetically made computer chair and type on my energy consuming computer while wearing clothing imported from third world countries and will tomorrow get into my car and drive someplace that I am more than capable of biking to for no other reason than laziness. So, as you can see, its all relative, and I've had an intense few weeks.
I will say that, guilt for my emotions aside, it is really hard having to wait those extra days. It is tortuous. My boss was at the delivery of her niece a few days ago and sent me a picture of the little one, hours after birth. As much as it fills me up with joy seeing a healthy new life brought into the world and surrounded with love, it also tears me apart with longing and hollowness. I've had my share of "But she's already had a baby! Why does she get another before I get my first one?" and "That woman doesn't even look like she cares about her baby! Of course the bad mother's keep getting pregnant!" thoughts over the past two years. When an extended family member announced his wife's third pregnancy during Thanksgiving dinner, it took everything inside of me to not look as devastated and jealous as I felt, and I remember the amount of pride my husband had for me, and I had for myself, at being strong enough to not cry until we were home hours later.
I reconnected recently with a friend that's grown away from me over the past few years. She was totally supportive, but also concerned that nesting and creating things for my future child may be unhealthy for me when I've gone through so much without any success. I think a lot of people have that reaction. Maybe they are right, but I don't think so. The way I see it, I am channeling my emotions into a positive end for the first time in years. I am filled with hope, and excitement, and love, instead of anger and resentment and jealousy, at least the majority of the time. I think that's all I can really hope for. So, yes, I may be a little selfish, and yes, I may fixate on things that may not happen, but at least I know its in the healthiest way its been since the first time my husband and I decided to "take a chance" more than two years ago.
On that note, I have a few other exciting and noteworthy things to mention. I bought a camera tonight. I forgot to buy a memory card, however, so I have no photos to show for the purchase, YET! Also, I have a lovely tutorial to share of my adventures with creating crib bedding and carseat covers. Until then, I'll share my latest success:
I promise it isn't as cockeyed as it looks in this photo. This is my Little Star quilt for Dylan. <&hearts>
The yellow fabrics will be patched together to create the outside of our crib bumper as well, and the teal binding is also being used for the bumper ties. The aqua around each star is our crib sheets, and the striped fabric between each square is a flannel making up the inner part of the bumper. I'm really proud of this. It was my first quilt and it was made with a lot of love. The most special part is the back, though. Wanna see?
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