Sad.

It makes me sad when I think about how quickly time is flying by and how quickly we are aging, yet we have not gotten half of what we wanted. I know we have time, but it is disheartening. I have been jogging lately, which really means jogging for as long as I can and then walking casually for long periods of time while I catch my breath. The neighborhoods near where I live are all very quiet, nice, family-type neighborhoods. Everyone is walking dogs or pushing strollers or tending to gardens in that part of town. It is a constant reminder. While I technically have a stroller to push, not having a baby in it would be very unusual. I have no garden. I have no house. When I think about the adoption process, I feel an unspoken pressure to have more and be more. It may not be a criteria, officially, but I know it is frowned upon to give lovely abandoned children to parents who rent apartments and drive cars with electrical problems and who have no savings to speak of. If I need more, and need to be better, to have a baby given to me, I am nauseated at where to start. I mean, really.  I couldn't see a fertility specialist until after a year of being unsuccessful, and then it was almost a full year until I went through treatment. Without any savings, we're looking at a minimum of two years to put together a down payment for a house. If we go that route, school is out of the question for me. I don't want to go back to school, but I feel like we'd have a better chance of having a baby given to us if at least one of us has a degree. So, if I go the school route, we're looking at four years before we can have a house. That means at least five years before we'd be able to have a child adopted to us, assuming the good folks working for adoption agencies are really looking out for the best interest of the children involved. That's five years if we really start working toward that goal now. Not tomorrow. So, say I fall asleep tonight, and the world spins so fast as it does and suddenly it is next year, and it is all just too late? Then what? Disheartening, isn't it?
I don't want to give up, but I also don't know if I can go a total of seven or more years with the singular goal of trying to have a baby. I don't know if I have the strength. Sad.