Beginnings

The beginning of a new year is odd. There isn't anything dramatically different today than a week ago, yet we all view a new year as a fresh start. We create resolutions and find a new motivation to reach goals we usually make excuses for not reaching and to forgive ourselves for our many mistakes from the past. We wipe the slate clean and get up each morning with a new fresh sense of purpose, even if the only purpose we can name thusfar is to be better people. I am no different from everyone else. I have additional motivations to be a better person, however, and that is why I have created this space here. As the year, and years, continue, I'd like a chronical of my successes and failures as a constant reminder of why it all matters.

This year is the year I will create. As an artist, I have spent my entire life creating. Even when I don't like the end result of something I have created, I find myself needing to go through the process. I take pride in knowing that I am capable. I'm sure at least some of this stems from my survivalist views on life. I take pride in knowing that in the event of an apocalypse, I have the creativity and resourcefulness to just possibly survive. Its not morbid, or pessimistic, but something that gives me a great sense of comfort. I will create a lot this year. I will sew, sculpt, knit, paint, tattoo, dance, cook. Most importantly, I will create life.

My husband and I have been unsuccessfully trying to conceive for almost two years, and through the help of a few amazing doctors, and even more amazing family and friends, this year I will conceive a child. This is not just a goal, but a promise I've made to myself. It will be a difficult journey, probably more difficult than the past year -- a year filled with appointments, blood tests, exams, crushing vulnerability and inadequacy, uncertainty, hopelessness, and disappointment -- but the end result of this creative pursuit is one I will certainly love.

That being said, this written collection of thoughts will be about my whole life. It will show how I learn to cope with the stresses of work and family and finances and my own personal anxieties. It will be a place to show off the things I do to help set up a home for my family. I may go weeks without mentioning baby stuff, but I will know, as anyone who knows me already knows, that it is all part of that end. I hope the ride is full of colors and ideas and solutions and all arounds creation. Thanks for coming along for the ride.