The wall

Doctors always say stress plays a key roll in infertility. Maybe they are right.

Before finding out the results, the first time around, I was excited. I was optimistic. I was hopeful. Not used to the symptoms of a period, I mistook tender breasts and fatigue for good signs.

After the first failure, I was fine at first, then one day I wasn't. I felt hopeless and scared. Really scared. Then I stopped creating. I haven't sewn or knitted in weeks. I started to work on receiving blankets and was horribly nauseated thinking about who I'd give all my things to if I'm unsuccessful in this venture.

After the second failure I lost hope. My optimism was shot, and I literally felt empty. I felt like I was missing something inside my womb, and I knew it wasn't there, as crazy as that sounds.

I was numb for weeks, waiting for the results of that final failure. I cried the day I received news of my second failure. I was sitting in my car alone in my apartment garage after a full day of doctors. After my pregnancy blood draw, I went to get my pap smear, and then I went to my endocrinologist. It was a long day. I knew I wasn't pregnant even though I hadn't yet started my period, but the news still came as a blow. I think that was the hardest I may have cried up to that point in my life. I pulled myself together and called my husband. Then I was numb until after the final IUI. My husband couldn't get out of work for the final insemination, so I was alone.

My final pregnancy test should have been today, but I cancelled it.
My period started Monday evening, and there is no doubt it is a full blown baby-free period.

We're not sure what steps we are ready to take from here. We are going on vacation next week, and will spend time with family and friends and each other, relaxing, destressing, and enjoying each other. When my mourning has ended, we'll meet with my doctor to find out our other options. Can we do another series of ovulation induction down the road, or are we cut off permanently? With PCOS, I'm at risk for cancer if I don't have periods often enough, so they recommend taking birth control to regulate the cycles. Can I alternate taking birth control for a short time with not taking it in hopes of ovulating and becoming pregnant naturally? We don't want to do In Vitro Fertilization, and I already know that's what they will try to push.

Then, of course, there is adoption. Finding agencies will be enough of a challenge, but will at least get us going in a particular direction. We can start working toward specific goals at that point, and prepare ourselves for the let downs and long waits for children through that route.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I feel like I can talk with lots of people, but none of them actually comprehend the way I feel. It is only made worse by more pregnancies surrounding me. I'm strong and I have an amazing partnership with my husband and a lot of support from family and friends, though, so we'll get through this and we'll start our family. I'm scared of the process, but I'm confident in the end result.