North West Refreshment

I went on vacation last week. It was exactly what I think my husband and I both needed. It was beautiful and grounding and I think the rain cleansed a bit of our sadness.

I'm not going to lie. It was a very emotional trip -- even stressful at times. It was really hard seeing all the babies and young children of college friends at the wedding, and seeing their families' joy. Worse than the reminder of my infertility, what made me so emotional was I really didn't want to leave. In 27 years, I've never felt at home anywhere. In Portland, OR, I felt at home. More than ever, I wanted to make a home, nest, and get back to the business of family-making. Alas, there are responsibilities my husband and I each have, including Maggie and Killian, who stayed home this time, and work, of course. We'll get back up there soon enough, I'll just keep telling myself. 

Noteworthy parts of the trip:

   Seeing my parents and brother after almost two years.

   My close friend getting married.

   Bridal Falls at 10 pm, after the wedding, just my hubbs and me in the dark, trying to take photos.

   The gorgeous Japanese Garden in Portland (which literally brought tears to my husbands eyes).

   Food carts!!!!!

   Strip clubs and bike lanes everywhere! (What a combo.)

   Seeing my other close friend, again after almost two years.

   The drive home...(We bought Game of Thrones, the audio book, and finished all 28 disks within two hours of finishing the drive back.)

Without further delay, photos of some of the beauty we got to see:

Late afternoon looking out over my parents' property.
Still California, but just barely.

We got stuck on a bridge waiting for a rock slide to be cleared.
 Great time to get out and take pictures!

It was really bright and I forgot my sunglasses in San Diego.

Entrance to Oaks Reserve at Sellwood park. Sellwood is definitely an
 area we liked a lot, especially because of magical places like this.

The best shot we could get of Bridal Falls, it was so dark.
This was on my camera's slowest shutter speed setting.

The Japanese Garden was truly breathtaking.

There was a modern bonsai exhibit. This one makes me so happy.

This happy, fat robin wasn't bothered by the rain, either!

It took patience and bravery to capture this photo of a bee in an azalea bush.

Animals visited me a lot on this trip, like this charming crow at a food cart yard.

Just a few carts.

I loved all the brightly painted houses near Belmont and Laurelhurst.
This is the food cart parking lot for just one food cart "court".

Mt. Shasta always means we're heading home.

Now that we are settled back home, I'm trying to resettle into my old life here. Work has been exciting, to say the least, but I'm determined not to let that get me down. I have been making more me time, though. I've made it a point to read everyday, which is an activity that always made me feel guilty in the past (there are just so many tasks to do, always), and I've been exercising every day. I've been looking into yoga classes near my  apartment so I can bike to them, as well as trying to convince my husband to go rock climbing at a gym soon. I put on a bit of weight with all the hormones, and I want it gone and to be healthier. I'm also getting a massage. It's been four years. After everything, I think I'm a little entitled. Besides, I'm still secretly crossing my fingers that I miraculously ovulate and conceive one of these days, even after staged attempts failed. Maybe I just need some relaxation. Or maybe I was missing feeling at home. I feel like I just got to drink buckets of water after a long drought. It made me feel whole again. I know a place is just a place, in theory, but in practice, it makes all the difference in the world.

The wall

Doctors always say stress plays a key roll in infertility. Maybe they are right.

Before finding out the results, the first time around, I was excited. I was optimistic. I was hopeful. Not used to the symptoms of a period, I mistook tender breasts and fatigue for good signs.

After the first failure, I was fine at first, then one day I wasn't. I felt hopeless and scared. Really scared. Then I stopped creating. I haven't sewn or knitted in weeks. I started to work on receiving blankets and was horribly nauseated thinking about who I'd give all my things to if I'm unsuccessful in this venture.

After the second failure I lost hope. My optimism was shot, and I literally felt empty. I felt like I was missing something inside my womb, and I knew it wasn't there, as crazy as that sounds.

I was numb for weeks, waiting for the results of that final failure. I cried the day I received news of my second failure. I was sitting in my car alone in my apartment garage after a full day of doctors. After my pregnancy blood draw, I went to get my pap smear, and then I went to my endocrinologist. It was a long day. I knew I wasn't pregnant even though I hadn't yet started my period, but the news still came as a blow. I think that was the hardest I may have cried up to that point in my life. I pulled myself together and called my husband. Then I was numb until after the final IUI. My husband couldn't get out of work for the final insemination, so I was alone.

My final pregnancy test should have been today, but I cancelled it.
My period started Monday evening, and there is no doubt it is a full blown baby-free period.

We're not sure what steps we are ready to take from here. We are going on vacation next week, and will spend time with family and friends and each other, relaxing, destressing, and enjoying each other. When my mourning has ended, we'll meet with my doctor to find out our other options. Can we do another series of ovulation induction down the road, or are we cut off permanently? With PCOS, I'm at risk for cancer if I don't have periods often enough, so they recommend taking birth control to regulate the cycles. Can I alternate taking birth control for a short time with not taking it in hopes of ovulating and becoming pregnant naturally? We don't want to do In Vitro Fertilization, and I already know that's what they will try to push.

Then, of course, there is adoption. Finding agencies will be enough of a challenge, but will at least get us going in a particular direction. We can start working toward specific goals at that point, and prepare ourselves for the let downs and long waits for children through that route.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I feel like I can talk with lots of people, but none of them actually comprehend the way I feel. It is only made worse by more pregnancies surrounding me. I'm strong and I have an amazing partnership with my husband and a lot of support from family and friends, though, so we'll get through this and we'll start our family. I'm scared of the process, but I'm confident in the end result.